Helping infertile couples to build a family

Erica Walther Schlaefer and her husband, A.J. Schlaefer, adopted their son, born in Korea, in 2008. Almost immediately they began to share the gift of family with others who have struggled with infertility.

The Irondequoit couple knows what it's like to hope every day for a child, to tell themselves that getting pregnant is natural and simple and that next month will be different. They know what it's like to endure years of infertility treatments, characterized by needles and bruises and pain and, finally, disappointment.

Their experience led to Parenthood For Me, a nonprofit organization that provides couples with information and resources to help them sort through both infertility and adoption issues.

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Woman designs cards to build her family

SALT LAKE CITY -- Kelly Treadway loves to design and she loves kids. It was her passion for both that prompted Kelly to start her own card company, Modern Blitz Designs.

But she doesn't design cards to build a business; Kelly designs cards to build her family.

"I sometimes look at the cards I make and think, ‘I wish that was my life,'" she says.

Will and Kelly Treadway met in October of 2003. They married the following year. Both wanted to start and grow their family, but the fairy tale future they imagined didn't happen.

In addition to baby announcements, Kelly designs adoption cards, which she gives to hopeful parents at half cost. You can check out her designs at modernblitz.blogspot.com and read about her adoption journey at afutureworthlivingfor.blogspot.com.

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Infertile Couples Turn To Embryo Adoption

CINCINNATI -- Some couples unable to get pregnant have turned to an unusual form of adoption. The couples are getting pregnant with another couples' embryo. Jennifer Schanne and her husband endured four miscarriages before turning to in-vitro fertilization.

"We froze our embryos in case something didn't work or we only had one baby. We knew we wanted to have more then one," said Schanne.

After twins Cooper and Clair were born, the couple debated about what to do with the nine embryos that they didn't use. Read more...

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Greatest gifts

This is in response to "Embryos' fate: A fertile debate; Families struggle with science, faith when viable eggs are frozen in lab" , regarding what to do with "leftover" embryos from in-vitro fertilization treatments.

One option is to donate them to an infertile couple. Please visit www.embryoadoption.org.

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Shady Grove Fertility Center Presents 5K Fundraising Race to Help Families Afford Fertility Treatment or Adoption

To further its commitment to providing affordable options to couples battling infertility, Shady Grove Fertility Center will host a 5K Race for the Family on Sunday, September 27, at 8:30 a.m. in Rockville.

More than 400 runners, walkers and toddler trotters have registered to date, along with 70 volunteers. All monies raised will benefit the Cade Foundation, the only national non-profit organization that provides financial assistance to would-be parents. Through its Family Building Grant program, the Cade Foundation provides infertility couples monetary gifts of up to $10,000 to help pay for infertility treatment or domestic adoption.

At the finish line, Shady Grove Fertility Center will raffle a free in vitro fertilization cycle (IVF) to one race participant or donor. In addition to the 5K race, there will be a fun walk, toddler trot and sidewalk arts festival. Events start and finish at Shady Grove Fertility Center headquarters, 15001 Shady Grove Road, Rockville, Md. 20850, and the course winds through nearby Fallsgrove Village Center. Register to run, walk or donate at www.RaceForTheFamily.com/.

Additional mechanisms Shady Grove Fertility Center has established to make fertility more affordable include financing options such as Shared Risk, which covers up to six IVF treatment cycles and guarantees a 100-percent refund if a baby is not delivered, and Shared Help, which offers financial assistance to income-eligible patients. For more information, visit www.shadygrovefertility.com/affording_treatment.

"Shady Grove Fertility Center is dedicated to developing and offering innovative financing options and assistance to reduce barriers for couples who seek fertility treatments," said Frank Chang, M.D., a Shady Grove Fertility Center board-certified reproductive endocrinologist and Cade Foundation board member. "We are delighted to work in partnership with the Cade Foundation to help more couples in our area and beyond fulfill their dream of starting a family."

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Resolving the Loss of Fertility

Stock photo by duchesssa
One of the questions prospective parents are routinely asked during their adoption home study is whether they have "resolved" their infertility. This issue is raised because it is a widespread paradigm in the professional adoption community that infertile, prospective adoptive parents need to resolve their feelings of loss to fully accept their children.

Issues related to infertility that may impact adoptive families include loss of a "dream" or idealized child, loss of physical connection of pregnancy and biological heredity, and loss of continuity of inheritance. Resolution of these issues and feelings is intended to ensure that lingering frustration, anger, sadness or other emotions don't create tension or avoidance of important issues within the adoptive family.

Read more: http://www.comeunity.com/adoption/infertility/infertility.html

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FertilityAuthority Expands its Online Community

FertilityAuthority is taking the lead in the world of online fertility communities, adding three new blogs to their already impressive list of bloggers. The newest addition is “Holistic Fertility with Pulling Down the Moon,” a blog in which former fertility patients and Pulling Down the Moon co-founders Beth Heller and Tamara Quinn share a do-it-yourself approach to fertility which includes yoga, acupuncture, nutrition and massage.

The site has also added “Circle of Empty Arms,” created by author LaShaudra Seale who became a parent after adopting a son. Her blog focuses on reproductive technology options, the lack of healthcare for infertility treatments and adoption. “He Is Therefore I Am” now also appears on http://www.fertilityauthority.com/ . It is written by Tori Emmons who speaks about male factor infertility and her road to having a baby.

Read more: http://www.tribbleagency.com/?p=5563

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Couple starts family through embryo adoption

Matthew and Jenna are 2 1/2-year-old fraternal twins. They share cute round faces, wide, inquisitive eyes that don't miss a thing and cheekbones a model would die for.

They also share a history that would make them the talk of the playground if anybody their age remotely cared: They were adopted nine months before they were born, in the form of embryos created and frozen six years before that.

But, for Jim and Barbara Seebock, Matthew and Jenna are simply the answer to a prayer, even if the method of conception they chose -- "embryo adoption" -- represents yet another twist on what used to be the straightforward business of conception.

Read more: http://www.lvrj.com/living/46567282.html

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Windber couple work to give others hope

In the beginning of December 2006, Kara miscarried.

"It was the worst thing that ever happened to us," Kara said on their Web site hopeisheart.org.

"I wanted to figure out a way to help because my heart just breaks for people who can't have a child," she said.

So, she and Andrew founded "Hope Is ...," a nonprofit agency geared toward supporting couples with infertility or those who have had miscarriages. They also raise funds to help couples seeking to adopt.

Read more: http://www.ourtownonline.biz/articles/2009/05/04/neighbors/local_news/sample400.txt

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IVF and fertility problems? Just relax

Sophia Mackintosh is all too aware that she is a walking stereotype. After two miscarriages and a failed IVF attempt, she decided to give up trying for a baby and buy a dog instead. With Lulu happily installed in their newly renovated house in Islington, North London, Mackintosh and her husband, James, launched themselves wholeheartedly into the adoption process. Then, five years after that first traumatic miscarriage, she discovered that she was pregnant.

British Infertility Counselling Association (www.bica.net)
Cradle (www.assistedconception.org/cradle)

Full story: http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/health/article5767793.ece

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A somewhat older mom speaks out

Photo by http://www.jstandard.com/
Speaking as an older mother in a very young Jewish community of 20- and 30-something parents, I find myself much outside of the box. It is not exactly by choice that I have a late-in-life child. Some things simply happen, and others are meant to be in a way that is indefinable. Parenting is a tough job with a partner and support system, and 100 times harder flying solo.

I had already raised three children to emancipation and lost my life partner when a situation arose that led me to motherhood yet again. It was an unusual occurrence and like many women in their 40's, I had long stopped actively thinking of babies and caring for them. Or perhaps not, for the year that my husband died I had the opportunity to adopt yet another infant. I did not give it much thought, for the decision had already been made by some unfulfilled mothering instincts that were still inside my heart. I was reaching the end of my 40's when I adopted my son, the age at which my neighbors were already grand-parenting or at least, paying off college tuitions.

Of course, being a divorced mother is far from unusual in the suburbs, but being an adoptive single mother at my age certainly was. From the start, it was all-consuming and very tedious caring for a young infant. I had little time to think about my situation, but simply went with it, relearning all I had forgotten about infants as well as re-buying what I had long, long ago thrown out. Sleepless nights with a sick child are not fun for the best of us, least of all for me. I also had to rethink my position among my contemporaries, finding that many of my so-called friends were not terribly interested in my new baby and his day to day progress. I was knee-deep in dirty diapers, finger foods, "Goodnight Moon," SpongeBob, Legos, and local parks, where I found myself spending a good few hours each day. Admittedly, it bored me to tears, especially when I found that the younger mothers thought I was his grandmother and for the most part ignored my presence. I found my place by starting conversations on child development, preschools, and babysitters with those who deigned to acknowledge me as one of them.

I loved and adored my son beyond all else. He was the center of my universe, and this time there were no other children to compete for my attention. I worked part-time in the first few years and kept money coming in as well as remaining a part of the adult world. Coming home to a young child was lonely, and I often missed the companionship of men and women my age, who disappeared almost as quickly as they appeared in my life, easily tiring of the noise, commotion, and attention I gave mostly to this beautiful child.

As he grew, it did become easier for me. A precocious child, he loved to talk both at home and to other adults, finding himself the center of everyone’s attention. So it often is with "only children." With all of the issues involved and the loss of my own mother, focusing on my son became the way of life I chose.

I had another chance at loving and raising a child and being a "do-it-yourself" grandma for the first time, all at once. Isolation from my contemporaries was an issue, but over the years I have met several other older moms, perhaps in different life situations, to whom I could talk about something other than school and play dates. Fortunately I have made some friends of other adoptive moms, who understand exactly where I come from. We live in our world of work, and then our unique and difficult world of raising a child alone, with just a little less koach than those at the parent-teacher meetings.

I will be an active, 24/7 mother long after others have forgotten what that is like, but so what? I believe that women should have a choice as to when they should have children. Technology is changing and giving women more time in which to bear children. As we tend to live longer than men anyway, it should be our right and privilege to do so.

Adoption is a beautiful way to become a mother, and those older children in foster care, who are no longer "desirable" because of their ages, handicaps, or cultural backgrounds, would do well with a parent who was devoted and loving regardless of his or her chronological age.

My home is no longer as neat and clean as it was pre-last child, nor do I always feel relaxed with contemporaries, as my mind is elsewhere. Others of my age might begin to be forgetful, but I am not permitted to forget. I cannot imagine what disasters would befall us if I did. I am certainly driving more carefully and not taking risks I might have taken before or even now, without a growing child. I am reluctant to have guests in my home, as nothing is new or in place the way I would like it to be, and I am more careful with money because of the expense of childrearing. There are no grandparents as other children might have with whom to celebrate the myriad of Jewish holidays or to give my son gifts, and often it is saddening. When I think of his bar mitzvah coming this year, my heart sinks at the thought that now he has no father or grandfather to stand with him, and no grandmothers to sit with me and kvell. Yet no one’s life is perfect.

I enjoy so much about being a mother to my son and watching his clothes shrink as he grows. I have more time and understanding for him than I did for my other three children, two of whom are now parents as well, but I do repeat mistakes, and often my patience wears dangerously thin. What a fallacy that we are more patient. There are so many things I have learned from my experience and I must often stand by and hold my tongue seeing my now younger friends and neighbors make foolish mistakes because they have "read something in a book."

I probably could write the longest-ever "book of mistakes" myself, but I just do the best I can. I am so full of love for my child, and all that is returned to me as my son grows up and, finally, just maybe, so do I.

Source: http://www.jstandard.com/articles/3941/1/A-somewhat-older-mom-speaks-out

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Genetic Mandate or Social Impulse?

INFERTILE PEOPLE ARE OFTEN CHARACTERIZED as desperate for children. But Houston psychologist Patty Mahlstedt says the struggles people will endure to conceive a child is not a sign of desperation. Mahlstedt, who specializes in counseling the infertile, says people were intended to conceive children. "That was the plan, wasn't it?" she asks with a smile. "Whoever or whatever you believe made our bodies had that plan. I think it's unfair to think that because people really want a child, and will go to extremes to conceive, that that is pathological or neurotic or narcissistic."

In fact, most infertility patients never go so far as IVF. In 1995, only seven percent of the women who sought help for infertility used IVF, artificial insemination, or other "assisted reproductive technologies." Three times as many used ovulation drugs. But infertile people are far more likely to try treatment than to adopt. Only about 11 percent of infertile people pursue adoption -- about half of those who do adopt pursue medical treatments first.

Does that mean people are driven by a primordial edict to bear children? Evolutionary psychologist Stephen Pinker of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, thinks not. Pinker is the author of the recent book, "How the Mind Works."

"Primarily, we have a drive to have sex," he says. "If we really had a drive to have children that bear copies of our genes, you'd have men lining up around the block to donate sperm." Pinker says humans wouldn't be such avid consumers of birth control if our genes were commanding us to reproduce.

"There are people who decide not to have children," Pinker points out. "Probably most people in our society decide to have fewer children than they could have." There is, however, one other powerful impulse: "I think there are very few people who decide they have no interest in sex," Pinker says.

From an evolutionary perspective, there was never a need for humans to develop a desire for babies, Pinker argues. As long as we wanted sex, we got babies. He believes the reason so many people do want babies is that human brains run on more than instinct. People can reason. We can predict that having children might make us happy. But many experts on human behavior, including Pinker, say once a baby is born, an instinct does kick in: parents are driven to care for their children.

Imagine a maternity ward, Pinker urges, where a nurse who tells a new mother, "We have about a dozen babies who've appeared in the last day or two. Do you care which one we give you?'" Pinker laughs. "I think it's obvious that people would care," he says. "They would want their own child, even if they can't even tell the difference between their child and other children. There is a deep-rooted idea of a child that is your flesh and blood."

Minneapolis adoption attorney Judy Vincent says it's not as hard to adopt as people think. LISTEN

Biologists point out that in other species, too, animals are more likely to care for offspring related to them. Penguins will find and feed their own young in vast colonies of seemingly identical baby penguins. Psychologists say it is clearly possible to love and bond with a child who is not genetically related to you. Adoptive parents and their children often love each other deeply. But many infertile people say that in order to adopt, they first had to grieve for the genetically-related child they could never have.

Source: http://americanradioworks.publicradio.org/features/fertility_race/part2/narr_mandate.shtml

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Older Parents' Child: Growing Up Special

''When I realized my parents were older than other kids', I felt embarrassed and angry, that they weren't like the parents on TV,'' said Rich Simon, a Washington psychotherapist whose parents were in their 40's when he was born. ''Because they died fairly young, I became sort of an orphan at a relatively early age.''

But Dr. March Enders, a Washington physician who was 47 when her son was born, said: ''When you're an older parent, you really want your child. I felt more well defined in my career and had a lot more self-esteem, and, oddly enough, having Tommy has kept us young.''

Despite a multitude of studies and headlines about women putting off childbearing until their late 30's and early 40's, surprisingly little attention has been paid to children of older parents. For many, the emotional texture of their childhoods and their experiences in early adulthood are quite different from those of their peers whose parents are younger.

Advantages and Disadvantages

These children may benefit because their fathers and mothers tend to be more financially and emotionally secure and are likely to invest greater emotional energy in their upbringing, according to psychologists. On the other hand, they often report embarrassment, fear and remorse about their parents' ages. As young adults, they are frequently faced with emotional, medical and financial responsibilities for their parents at much earlier ages than other children, giving them a sharpened sense of time and a feeling that their youth has been abridged.

In many ways, however, offspring of older parents are children of economic and emotional privilege, according to Dr. Iris Kern, a professor of social welfare at the University of the District of Columbia who has studied older mothers. When their playmates' fathers and mothers are thinking about promotions, mortgages and their own identities, children of older parents are more likely to take center stage.

'More Mature and Stable'

Unlike younger people, who ''are more caught up with themselves and their own goals,'' Dr. Kern said, ''when you're close to 40, you've learned a lot more about life and are probably more mature and stable.'' Older parents often pay greater attention to their children, expose them to more varied experiences and are less likely to divorce, she said.

Older parents' temperaments may benefit their children. ''Older mothers tend to be calmer, more rational and are more relaxed with their children,'' said Dr. Jerome Kagan, a psychology professor at Harvard University. As a result, there is likely to be ''less conflict and anxiety in the child,'' he said.

Greater parental attention, while intellectually stimulating, may also result in unrealistically high expectations and not enough autonomy, said Dr. T. Berry Brazelton, a Harvard pediatrician and director of the child development unit at Children's Hospital Medical Center in Boston.

Many of these issues also apply to children of older adoptive parents. Estelle Parsons and her husband, Peter L. Zimroth, New York City's Corporation Counsel, adopted an infant four years ago. ''I feel more comfortable about parenting, since I've done it before,'' said the 59-year-old actress, who also has two grown daughters.

Full article: http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9B0DEFDE1031F935A15752C0A961948260

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IVF clinics destroy 1m ‘waste’ embryos

MORE than 1m embryos created for fertility treatment in British clinics have been destroyed over the past 14 years, government figures have shown.

The Department of Health data show that 2,137,924 embryos were created using IVF between 1991 and 2005, but about 1.2m were never used.

Extra embryos are created to maximise the chance of a viable one being identified for implantation in the prospective mother.

The scale of the wastage has sparked calls from politicians and infertility groups to find ways to avoid so many being created for treatment. An alternative suggestion is that it should be made easier for couples to “adopt” viable embryos unwanted by their natural parents so they have a chance of life.

Most of the surplus embryos created in clinics were destroyed within days of being created, while others were frozen. Those that survive the freezing process are destroyed if they are not used within 10 years.

Lord Alton, the independent peer who obtained the figures after tabling a parliamentary question, said embryos were being destroyed “at an incredible rate”.

“IVF has ensured that a number of people have been given a chance to have children. But it is surprising how many embryos are being destroyed in the process,” said the peer. “This is a rather unexpected aspect of IVF. If you could just create an embryo to implant, that would be fine.

“I think it would be much better if these embryos that are going to be destroyed were used for infertile couples. At least they would have a chance of life. The number of embryos used is expanding year after year.”

Infertility groups want more people to be encouraged to donate IVF embryos. They want couples who have not succeeded in IVF to have the chance to use embryos from couples who have produced children.

Although embryo adoption is legally permitted in Britain, it is rare. Infertility Network UK, a charity for infertile couples, said it thought there was “more scope for embryo donation” and more should be done to encourage it.

“Lots of people do have surplus embryos and if people could think about donating embryos it would be wonderful,” said a spokesman. “Embryo donation is a much bigger thing in America; it is like adoption. It would be good thing to explore further.”

The Donor Conception Network, which represents families with children born from donated embryos, sperm and eggs, said it thought that families donating embryos should be able to meet prospective “adoptive” parents, as happens in New Zealand.

In America, the Snowflakes charity arranges the adoption of embryos by couples who want children. This has led to the birth of 157 babies in the past 10 years. The couple who created the embryo are allowed to meet prospective parents.

Doctors said surplus embryos were created because women responded differently to fertility drugs. As many as 40 eggs can be used in some treatments and all are fertilised in IVF.

The embryos are then assessed for viability, with only about 20% usually considered strong enough to implant successfully in a woman.

The Snowflakes charity, based in Los Angeles, said it does not “discriminate” between embryos judged to be healthy or unhealthy and added that embryos it has used, which doctors had judged not to be viable, have still produced healthy babies.

Fertility clinics in Britain have varying success with IVF. The highest rate is at the Assisted Reproduction and Gynaecology Centre, run by Mohamed Taranissi in London. But Taranissi has clashed with the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority over safety standards.

The authority said researchers are looking at how to refine IVF treatment, including creating fewer embryos.

Source: http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/health/article3108160.ece

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Just adopt!

It's hard having to explain to people why some of us have chosen NOT to "just adopt". I'm sure they think we are just selfish, and don't really want a child. I really hate that sentiment, "if you really wanted a child you would..." adopt, do IVF, use DE, etc.

Sounds like such a simple solution, just stop into the local adoption agency, pick up a child and live happily ever after. And yes, sometimes that does happen. Hopefully, more often than not.

But I have always been aware of the dark side of adoption, and I know that it is not the guaranteed "happily ever after" story people think it is. These kids often have had a lifetime of struggle, pain and damage already.

Potentially adoptive parents often think that loving a kid is enough to make them OK. It's not.

When adoption doesn't 'work out'

"Why Don't You Just Adopt?"

Not everyone is eligible to adopt - due to lifestyle, health problems, age.
Who Can Adopt? http://www.acceptadoptions.org/whocanadopt.html

China's latest restrictions on who can adopt:
1. No one on antidepressants
2. No one making under 80K a year
3. No one obese
4. No one older than 50
5. No single parents

A baby is not guaranteed, my step-brother and his wife went through 3 failed adoptions before they received their son. After many miscarriages, stillbirths, failed IVFs, moving on to adoption can be more than a couple, or single parent, can handle emotionally.

Adoption can be beyond a person's financial means. Adoption often costs MORE than IVF.

Some really want to raise a child from infancy, and there are not many newborns available. Here in Ontario, it can mean a wait of 5-8 years! There can be the fear that the birth parents will want the baby back. There can be concern about the kind of prenatal care the mother received. Did she drink or smoke?

There can be a great deal of grief at giving up your dream of how your family would become, before people are ready to move on to adoption. It's not just, well that didn't work, let's adopt!

Adoption is incredibly difficult and extremely invasive. Some can't deal with the invasion of their life, their home, their morals, their beliefs - to prove themselves fit parents when others can get pregnant easily, without thought, and without "permission".

"And it's not like you just pop back to being just like the fertile couple once you bring your child home. There are life long issues with adoption. Adoption is hard and it is not the right choice for everyone. How a couple chooses to build their family is a very personal decision. When the traditional option for family building is ripped away from you and all the other options are riddled with scarring difficulties, you quickly realize that you had no idea what infertility was like and that it is not as simple as "Why don't you just adopt."

No-fee adoption agency possibly coming to Spokane

Associated Press
Last updated: Monday, January 29th, 2007 07:57:18 AM

REDMOND -- A no-fee adoption agency started by a Redmond church plans to open offices in the next year at Wenatchee, Spokane and Vancouver.

Antioch Adoptions is a non-profit agency that was started in 2000 by the Antioch Bible Church. It has placed about 300 children, mostly foster care children. The agency raises money to cover all costs except attorney fees, which are paid by the state for foster children.

The agency is getting volunteer help this year from a Xerox manager, Cyndi Quan-Trotter of Seattle, who is one of the company's six employees chosen this year for a paid sabbatical.

Source: http://www.kxly.com/news/?sect_rank=4§ion_id=603&story_id=8068

China tightens adoption rules

New restrictions said to bar single, obese, over-50 parents from adopting

China is imposing new restrictions on foreign adoptions, barring applicants who are unmarried, obese, over 50 or who take antidepressants, according to U.S. adoption agencies.

The restrictions are meant to limit adoptions to “only the most qualified families,” said the Web site of one agency, Harrah’s Adoption International Mission in Spring, Texas. The agency said China has pledged to try to make more children available to those who qualify.

Full article: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/16286524/